


never imagined we'd end like this

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, author is in denial of 15x19 because WHAT WAS THAT, cause i haven't watched the show since s3, charlie bobby & donna are also all mentioned once but i don't really know who they are, destiel became canon and now they're my new hyperfixation, if there are any inconsistencies/inaccuracies i'm sorry i haven't watched this show since s3, mentions of cas jack and eileen, perhaps i have an obsession with titling my fics with song lyrics, stream last kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27544804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: a 15x18 coda because i am gay and mentally ill
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 34





	never imagined we'd end like this

**Author's Note:**

> hi! okay so back in like 2017 or smth i was watching supernatural on netflix, but at some point during season 3 i was like this is just making me sad so i'm done. (for context, 2017 was when depression was really kicking my ass so a show mostly about like murder and demons wasn't really right for me at the time.) i forgot about spn for a while but then ofc last week destiel went canon and i fell down a rabbit hole of fics and moment videos on youtube and here we are. like i said i haven't watched the show since season 3 so sorry if i said smth that doesn't make sense. my research was just the dean and castiel page on supernatural wiki and ppl's summaries of destiel moments through the seasons on tumblr. i tried my best. hope you enjoy!

Dean’s phone is ringing.  
The apocalypse is approaching, Charlie, Eileen, Bobby, and Donna are gone, they’re up against literal God who has already predetermined their fates, and Cas...Cas told Dean he loved him. And then the Empty took him away. Cas is gone. Cas sacrificed his life for Jack and Dean.  
And the phone’s still fucking ringing. 

Dean knows he should answer it. He has to, it’s Sam, who’s probably worried and afraid. The longer Dean doesn’t respond the more Sam will start to think that he’s gone too. Dean can’t let him think that. Sam has to know that Dean’s still here and that they’re going to do this together, like they’ve done everything else. Sam has to know Dean hasn’t abandoned him. Dean has to pick up the phone. He has to answer the call and tell Sam what happened. He has to tell Sam that Cas is gone. Cas... is gone. Dean feels the tears starting again, and the force of habit almost makes him shove them down, but he ends up just letting himself cry. He always hated crying; it made him feel weak. He never knew how to react to sentimental stuff, and hardly let himself ever think about his feelings, let alone express them. But now Cas is gone and it feels like none of that matters anymore.

It’s strange, because Dean has thought that Cas was gone a few times before, but this one is different. The other times he had felt a burning sensation in his chest and a niggling feeling at the back of his mind that he wasn’t really gone, or that Dean would find a way to see him again. He had to. But right now Dean was just...hollow. No burning, no niggling feeling, nothing. Just emptiness, ironically enough. Not even a repressed emotion, just truly and deeply empty. God, he is so tired. Dean is so tired of it at all. Of demons, celestial beings, heaven and hell. Of climbing for so long only to meet another mountain. Of Sam being dead or soulless or in danger. Of losing people who sometimes came back but not necessarily for forever. Of mysteries and missions and work. Of fighting and bleeding and breaking. Of driving that damn Impala around to just another place where he would lose someone else he cared about. He is so. Fucking. Tired. 

Dean had always picked himself back up, because he had to. Because he had to keep going for Sam and Jack and Cas, but now Cas was gone. How was he supposed to get up and keep moving when Cas was gone? 

“Dean? Dean!”

Dean sits up straighter at hearing his brother’s voice. “Sam,” he croaks out, his voice hoarse from crying. 

“Where are you?”

“I’m here,” Dean calls out, sounding the most broken Sam had ever heard him. Sam rushes over to where he heard Dean’s voice coming from, finding his older brother huddled on the floor leaning against the wall. He had clearly been crying, and the lack of a certain angel’s presence helped Sam quickly figure out why. He goes over to Dean and pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back. He’s surprised that Dean not only reciprocates but starts to cry into his shoulder, but continues to hug him anyway, in fact now probably tighter than before. 

“Jack,” Dean mumbles suddenly, pulling away from the embrace. His eyes search Sam’s face wildly. “Where’s Jack? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s okay. Are you okay?”

Sam sees it. Sam sees Dean start to let the robotic, automatic response roll off the tongue like he always did. Sam sees Dean almost pretend yet again that he was okay when he really, really wasn’t. But he doesn’t. After a moment’s hesitation, he shakes his head and looks down at the ground.

“Cas,” he says shakily. “He’s gone. Stupid son of a bitch made a deal with the Empty to save Jack. It took him and Billie.”

Sam puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, noticing a red handprint on his jacket but deciding not to comment on it. 

“We’ll get him back. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Is it?” Dean asks, lifting his head back up. “How long have we been doing this, man? How long have we been trying to save the world and had to lose family along the way? How many times have we ended up here, trying to convince ourselves that it’ll all be fine when it’s really not?”

“Dean-”

“I can’t do it anymore, Sammy. I can’t do it...without him,” Dean says, whispering the last two words so softly that Sam wouldn’t have registered them if he didn’t know his brother as well as he did. Sam looks Dean in the eye.

“Would Cas want you to give up?”

Dean sighs, looking away. “Sam-”

“Answer the question. Would Cas want you to give up?”

Dean looks down at the ground again. “No,” he mumbles finally, like a stubborn child who doesn’t want to admit that their parents are right.

“Say that again.”

“No. He would not want me to give up.”

“That’s right. Cas wouldn’t save you just for you to let Chuck win. He did it so we could win and make our own story. So we could be happy.”

Dean chuckles bitterly. “He’s a real dumbass if he thinks I can be happy without him,” he says, shuddering as he lets himself expel a shaky breath.

“Come on, Dean. You didn’t let me fall apart before when Eileen-”

“Why are you bringing up Eileen? She’s your girlfriend. That’s different.”

Sam tilts his head, tempted to let it go, but after all of these years, he doesn’t think he can anymore. “Is it?”

And after a moment’s pause, with a hint of paralyzing fear that kept him from saying it before yet also desperate curiosity and pure want, Dean lets out a soft, “What?”

“It’s okay. I know. I’ve known for a while now. Not about how you feel about Cas, but I figured out that you like guys too a couple years back. I’ve also wondered for a while if you did feel something for Cas, but I was never really sure-”

“What-what do you mean feel something for Cas? What do you mean you figured out that I like guys too?” The volume of Dean’s voice is slowly rising, and Sam can feel his panic going up with it as well. 

“Dean, it’s okay-”

“No! It’s-I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Just-shut up. Shut up.”

Dean stands up and goes towards the door, leaving Sam crouched near the wall to curse under his breath and think of a new way to deal with his brother’s latest emotional crisis before he does something self destructive when Sam realizes the footsteps have stopped. He stands up and turns around to see Dean frozen in the middle of the room.

“Dean?”

“He said it.” Dean’s voice is now delicate and brittle, like he’s one touch away from shattering into a million pieces. “He said...everything that I wasn’t brave enough to say. Everything I wasn’t brave enough to think about. Everything that I’ve ever wanted him to know but couldn’t even think of because I was too…” Dean’s words are interrupted by a fresh wave of tears, and Sam goes over to him. 

“Dean-”

“You’re right. You’re right Sammy, I-I do like guys too, and I think I’ve always known that but I could barely ever even let myself think about it. There’s a word for it, bisexual, and ever since I heard it I knew that’s what I was but I was so scared of it that I never said or did anything. Not even when Cas had died or was rebelling against Heaven or giving up an army for me, I never said anything, even though I wanted to, and now it’s too late-”

“It’s okay. It’s okay, come here,” Sam says as he wraps his arms around Dean in a hug. Dean leans on him and cries, really cries, into his chest for the first time of his life, over a decade of loss and pain and blood and fear and bargaining and celestial bullcrap that has them both so, so tired. Once Dean starts to calm down, he pulls away from the hug and starts repeating a single phrase like a mantra.

“I love him, Sammy. I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him so goddamn much, god I love him, I really, really love him.”

“I know, Dean. I know you do.”

Dean wipes at his eyes and starts shaking his head. “We’ve got to get him back Sammy. We’ve got to. He thought he could never be happy because the one thing he wants is something he can’t have, and he needs to know, he has to know that he’s always had me, and that he always will. I have to tell him.”

“Then let’s get to work.”

**Author's Note:**

> btw destiel shippers who have been here since the beginning or at least since like s12 i have so much respect and appreciation for you; you have no idea


End file.
